Day 4

This is kind of a personal post, but I'm so proud of myself!!!

It started out like a normal day. Arriving a little early, I sat down at my table in the back. A few students were scattered about, generally 2-3 at a table. Nobody was really saying anything. Everyone was on their phones. It's weird that we do that.

The annoying re-cert firefighter waltzes in and, luckily, has a lot to say about a couple of car accidents he came accross on the way down. He only talks to his table, barely scraping at the solid cement of awkward setting in the room. They don't really respond either, poor guy.

Finally, class starts, and we get to training again. Suddenly, everyone is alive and they have friends in class - they group up as we make our way to the "gym". Except me. We do more CPR. I have a string of good, natural interactions with a couple of the paramedics and my teacher. I'm happy, especially because there were a ton of instances that day of people just ignoring me. Tiny instances. My volume was fine and everything, they just ignored me. It was f***ing weird, and I was feeling really bad.

Anyway, then we did a TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE. And, if anyone remembers the last time I did one of those, it was at the domestic violence shelter training  - the one I left in hysterics. This time though, I wasn't even concerned. I was feeling empowered by the previous perfect social interactions. So, I got in a circle with the other students, shoulder-to-shoulder. Okay! Then, with our right hands, we grabbed the right hands of people accross from us. And then the same with our left. Before you knew it, we were all tangled up.

One of these numbers

"Now get yourselves out of it." Our instructor practically smirks as she folds her arms accross her round stomach. We all take a few moments to size up the situation. I suggest we all try to get closer to the floor to loosen up the circle (I don't know!). To my surprise, people actually tried it! It didn't work, but it was a precurser to the solution: two particular people at a time needed to get low so others could step over and loosen up the circle. I still don't understand how it worked, but it worked! And I was fine the entire time.

In fact, I felt really happy. I participated and helped come up with a solution. I spoke up when it was necessary. I wasn't consciously nervous (though I could feel some bodily reactions going on). The warm fuzzies surged as we patted ourselves on the back and ran to the bathrooms to wash our hands. Another female student and I ended up in the same bathroom. I was a bit nervous, but pretended we were just gal pals as she actually used the bathroom and I washed my hands. It was like we were real gal pals! We talked the whole time! As we made our way back to class, one of the paramedics from earlier said bye and good luck to us. I said: "Bye ____, thank you!" Perfectly friendly and cordial. Non-phobic people wouldn't understand, but I was on a ROLL!

I sat down and immediately wrote about my experience. I didn't want to forget this STRING of positive experiences working with others. I felt so accomplished and happy. I felt emotionally fed. Like I had been starving for...not necessarily interaction, but connection. No words required, I just wanted to feel close to other people. I usually feel like an absolute alien. Like, despite their efforts, no one really gets me. I can't even communicate on their level. It's my curse to be the gawking foreigner stumbling about the complex and beautiful world that is the human race. 

But today was good. I OWNED a battle in the war on social phobia.