Doubts?

This week was rough. I actually didn't make it to my Thursday class. Bawling, breaking down, couldn't leave bed, nightmares. It's been bad. So, I took a long weekend, but I'll be ready to go (eagerly counting down the days to see my psychiatric NP) come Tuesday!

So, naturally, there have been some doubts about getting into the field. Everytime someone says "assessments" or "vitals", for instance, I die inside. I get flashbacks to CNA clinicals, and old people staring...judging with their beady, wrinkled eyes. The anger that should be directed at their families for leaving them in such hell-holes is instead spat at the poor CNAs, who only want to help. I remember finding my pre-med chaperone hunched over some squaking, aged harpy as she calmly helped her to the bathroom. Don't assume I blame the old people for their attitudes. Old people homes are miserable junkyards where we dump those who have lost all value to society. I feel horrible for them. They have stories, feelings, the want for privacy...but grandma has to suck it up and allow perfect strangers to wipe her, front to back, every time she leaves her perch to pee. Everytime I saw grandma, and I was there for 8 hours, she was sitting in that rocking chair, surrounded by photos of her in the carefree days of her youth.

And then there's maggots.

Not sure how else to segway.

They're so vile and disgusting. They're bad enough on dead people - where they belong - but living people? It happens. And I don't think I'd be able to handle it (ie: barf and run away at the same time) if I saw it. Just AASDFFFHSADFHAKASF NOONONOONONONOONONOO!

Also, facial trauma. There is just something about teeth, eyes, or lips, not being where they're supposed to be that bothers me. On a living person? Nightmare fuel.

So, I'm not sure if this is the best job for me, but I still love emergency medicine.