Day 8

The words: "complete disaster" don't even cover it, bro.

Sexism is not cool, we can agree. And I don't use the term lightly, but there was definitely sexism experienced today. We were doing skills, switching around every 15 minutes to different stations. Oh help me. I first noticed it during the third rotation. The guys (who I thought were chill) would start manswering. Manswering, to me, is when you ask a question to a teacher/instructor and a male student decides to answer for the teacher/instructor. Trust me, it only happens with male students.

Anyway, they'd ask questions, and none of the other male students in the group would answer for them. Yet, when I asked questions, they'd all chime in. Okay...that's really, REALLY, annoying, but I can deal with a little inconsideration. In fact, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, hoping they are just men and don't realize what they're doing. But it got worse.

We went to the ambulance in the back to load the gurney. There are four of us, and one person has to be the patient. As you may know, the gurney is shaped like a rectangle. So there are 4 points on which a person could grip the gurney and distribute weight/help. One guy lays down. Immediately another guy takes the all-important red lever and the other handle on the same side. "Oh, you got those?" I say while I grab a handle on the other side next to the big guy in the group. We strap the patient in, but then the big guy on my side takes both ends to lift it into the ambulance. Still, I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt.

The rotation goes on, and we get another guy on the gurney. Same deal. Then it's my turn! It was so freaky. I'm not claustrophobic at all, but getting put in that tiny ambulance was terrifying. It was great to get out of there, and then we were ready for the final rotation - the big guy on the gurney and me at the helm, with the all-important red lever. Well, he refused to get on "because [I'm] a girl". What? The other boys seemed to nod and understand but luckily, the paramedic seemed to have the same reaction. "Sexism in the workplace!" I semi-joke. "Maybe you could take this other handle?" I ask the paramedic, and he jumps on it. Now the big guy agrees. We strap the patient in, and all goes well!

Then, we get to the gym and we're supposed to take vitals in less than 2 minutes. Easy. We decide to race, basically. Except I hear nothing on the big guy. I think I put my stethoscope facing backwards in my ears. Then I try taking a pulse. This guy has an irregular one, and it's hard to count. When the paramedic trainer asks what I've got, he decides to answer for me and says I did it wrong. I am able and willing to say I messed up, dude. I'm already a bit frustrated at this point, but then I don't know why, I just felt disproportionately awful. It was hard getting myself to that class in the first place, because I'm already fed up with this fruitless persuit. NOW I'm dealing with this treatment? Really?

The rational consolations to my conscious went unheard, and I could no longer keep the tears back. Here we go. I rushed out of there, keeping it together, and then had an acute suicidal episode in the car. I screamed at the top of my lungs (exacerbating the sore throat), cried, tried to pick a car to crash into and die. It was hard. This whole year, this chapter in my life, this failure added to a gigantic pile of other failures, is just becoming too much. This program is difficult enough, and then the people problems I have added onto it and the fact that I know it won't lead to anything...it's just heartbreaking. I can't afford to drop out again right now.

And apparently there was a test after the skills. Ugh. I'm markedly too unstable for this career.