Adios

So it's time to say goodbye to this adventure, my friends.

Emergency medicine is awesome, but practicing it is absolutely not. This whole thing has been Hell on Earth, but I tried something I've always wanted to do. And I know important stuff I didn't know before. Most laypeople can do the really important things. Always know where the AED is. Know CPR for adults, children, and babies. Learn how to use a head-tilt chin-lift maneuver and a jaw thrust. Keep pressure on bleeding wounds. Most of this stuff is first aid plus airway devices, some medicine administration, splinting, vitals, glucometer, and oxygen. That's it! Paramedic is another story, but anyone can do EMT skills.

I'm incredibly sad, not gonna lie. But it was best that I withdrew. I'm really not suited for this, or any job working with (living) human beings. The road to medicolegal death investigation is still ahead, just a little less direct.

Day 8

The words: "complete disaster" don't even cover it, bro.

Sexism is not cool, we can agree. And I don't use the term lightly, but there was definitely sexism experienced today. We were doing skills, switching around every 15 minutes to different stations. Oh help me. I first noticed it during the third rotation. The guys (who I thought were chill) would start manswering. Manswering, to me, is when you ask a question to a teacher/instructor and a male student decides to answer for the teacher/instructor. Trust me, it only happens with male students.

Anyway, they'd ask questions, and none of the other male students in the group would answer for them. Yet, when I asked questions, they'd all chime in. Okay...that's really, REALLY, annoying, but I can deal with a little inconsideration. In fact, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, hoping they are just men and don't realize what they're doing. But it got worse.

We went to the ambulance in the back to load the gurney. There are four of us, and one person has to be the patient. As you may know, the gurney is shaped like a rectangle. So there are 4 points on which a person could grip the gurney and distribute weight/help. One guy lays down. Immediately another guy takes the all-important red lever and the other handle on the same side. "Oh, you got those?" I say while I grab a handle on the other side next to the big guy in the group. We strap the patient in, but then the big guy on my side takes both ends to lift it into the ambulance. Still, I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt.

The rotation goes on, and we get another guy on the gurney. Same deal. Then it's my turn! It was so freaky. I'm not claustrophobic at all, but getting put in that tiny ambulance was terrifying. It was great to get out of there, and then we were ready for the final rotation - the big guy on the gurney and me at the helm, with the all-important red lever. Well, he refused to get on "because [I'm] a girl". What? The other boys seemed to nod and understand but luckily, the paramedic seemed to have the same reaction. "Sexism in the workplace!" I semi-joke. "Maybe you could take this other handle?" I ask the paramedic, and he jumps on it. Now the big guy agrees. We strap the patient in, and all goes well!

Then, we get to the gym and we're supposed to take vitals in less than 2 minutes. Easy. We decide to race, basically. Except I hear nothing on the big guy. I think I put my stethoscope facing backwards in my ears. Then I try taking a pulse. This guy has an irregular one, and it's hard to count. When the paramedic trainer asks what I've got, he decides to answer for me and says I did it wrong. I am able and willing to say I messed up, dude. I'm already a bit frustrated at this point, but then I don't know why, I just felt disproportionately awful. It was hard getting myself to that class in the first place, because I'm already fed up with this fruitless persuit. NOW I'm dealing with this treatment? Really?

The rational consolations to my conscious went unheard, and I could no longer keep the tears back. Here we go. I rushed out of there, keeping it together, and then had an acute suicidal episode in the car. I screamed at the top of my lungs (exacerbating the sore throat), cried, tried to pick a car to crash into and die. It was hard. This whole year, this chapter in my life, this failure added to a gigantic pile of other failures, is just becoming too much. This program is difficult enough, and then the people problems I have added onto it and the fact that I know it won't lead to anything...it's just heartbreaking. I can't afford to drop out again right now.

And apparently there was a test after the skills. Ugh. I'm markedly too unstable for this career.

Day 7

Assessment Day!

It was like scraping my own face with a sharp rock over and over. 

It's the part where we start touching eachother, and the boys get all blushy and the girls avoid the boys. It's typical. We do everything we can to *look* busy. Another girl and I did trauma assessments on eachother, and then I make the mistake of hanging with the annoying re-cert firefighter. He's harmless, but reaaaally lazy when it comes to assessments. He also made a huge deal out of assessing (joining his hands palms-together and sliding them down) my sternum. I didn't feel awkward before (it's much harder for me to talk to people than to be touched by them), but he was just hesitant and apologetic. It's my sternum! I'm not buxom by any stretch, so no worries about groping anything. I kept trying to make him feel comfortable. He barely touched my scalp, spine, ribs, stomach, or limbs, and then he announced he was going to do the part he was most afraid of. Oh my gosh, dude... Dude. Please don't make this weird. 

So that happened. 

And I'm never going to listen to another noob again. I was checking this guy's pulse, like I've done a million times before, and I just couldn't find it. He told me to find it "up here", a few inches up his arm. I KNEW that wasn't right. I thought maybe it was a different pulse, but certainly not the one we're supposed to be looking for. "Oh, really?" I say, trying it out. Still nothing. He mansplains: "See, you need to do it here because there's a bone and you put the vein against it and that's how you get a pulse." Not quite, but whatever. Then a guest teacher (flight paramedic) comes out of nowhere and places a single finger where I was searching before. He looks at me. In huge annoyance and disbelief, I manage a sheepish "It's there?" He winks and walks away. Sure enough, a nice, gushy pulse was waiting.

Then I take the guy's blood pressure. It's high. 150/90 or 150/100. I ask if that's typical, and he says "No, but I just drank a Rockstar and I'm nervous." His blushing corroborated. That'll do. But then, when two guest teachers walk by, he feels the need to mention it to them. Dude! He tells them his blood pressure is what it is. The flight paramedic from before just says: "That's not right." Are you serious?! "He is nervous and he just had a Rockstar!" I protest. "Still not right." He shakes his head. Just check it? Please? I'm not a liar.

I'm fading fast. I've already taken something for the headache. I start thinking of bargains to make with God to make it be over sooner. Everyone is taken, so I use the teacher. At least I can get some good advice. We get through the medical assessment with him chiming in every few steps. Lots of pointers. And honestly, I was soaking it all in. We get done, and I just feel worn. "Can I give you some advice though?" He asks. "Anything!" I beg, trying to let some eagerness spill through my glazed eyes. "You need to be a little more confident." My heart sinks to the bottom of the universe. He explains that scared patients need someone to make them comfortable, and you do that through confidence. "I was kicked out of my last program for not being able to work well with others." I confess. 

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. You have great bedside manner! And it'll come with time, I'm sure." He looks around, patting his pockets. "Oh you know what? I need to go <blah blah blah>." He's out the door. Later, as we were finally heading home, he said: "Good job today, girl." 

Was it?

Day 6

This day was so forgettable that I forgot it.

Newb EMTs, the general public, and students all tend to think that EMS is all excitement and life-saving. It's not. It's disappointingly mostly sick people you can't do much for (under the paramedic level), and idiotic people who aren't actually experiencing an emergency. I think it was my new teacher who said you'd go on one cardiac arrest a week working full-time. I don't know if he meant actual full-time (40 hours/week), or EMS full-time (60+hours/week). Still, that's 4 people a month!

Worth it? I'm talking drunks, violent people off their psych meds, buckets of throwup, hysterical people, angry people, bossy people, and lots and LOTS of feces.

Question of the century.

Doubts?

This week was rough. I actually didn't make it to my Thursday class. Bawling, breaking down, couldn't leave bed, nightmares. It's been bad. So, I took a long weekend, but I'll be ready to go (eagerly counting down the days to see my psychiatric NP) come Tuesday!

So, naturally, there have been some doubts about getting into the field. Everytime someone says "assessments" or "vitals", for instance, I die inside. I get flashbacks to CNA clinicals, and old people staring...judging with their beady, wrinkled eyes. The anger that should be directed at their families for leaving them in such hell-holes is instead spat at the poor CNAs, who only want to help. I remember finding my pre-med chaperone hunched over some squaking, aged harpy as she calmly helped her to the bathroom. Don't assume I blame the old people for their attitudes. Old people homes are miserable junkyards where we dump those who have lost all value to society. I feel horrible for them. They have stories, feelings, the want for privacy...but grandma has to suck it up and allow perfect strangers to wipe her, front to back, every time she leaves her perch to pee. Everytime I saw grandma, and I was there for 8 hours, she was sitting in that rocking chair, surrounded by photos of her in the carefree days of her youth.

And then there's maggots.

Not sure how else to segway.

They're so vile and disgusting. They're bad enough on dead people - where they belong - but living people? It happens. And I don't think I'd be able to handle it (ie: barf and run away at the same time) if I saw it. Just AASDFFFHSADFHAKASF NOONONOONONONOONONOO!

Also, facial trauma. There is just something about teeth, eyes, or lips, not being where they're supposed to be that bothers me. On a living person? Nightmare fuel.

So, I'm not sure if this is the best job for me, but I still love emergency medicine.

Day 5

Today was all lecture.

We were suposed to go over the entire body and it's systems, but we mostly focused on breathing. It was interesting to re-learn that what makes you breathe is not lack of oxygen, but hypercarbia - too much carbon dioxide. Really neat! He said that EMTs are "Breathing Gods and Goddesses". That's our main duty in life. Also driving and taking all the vitals *cringe*.

We went over a lot of pathophysiology. I'm pretty sure this is called inductive reasoning, but we start with the presentation, and work our way down to what causes it. Like today, I've never thought of this, but why is the skin cool and clammy sometimes? As soon as he asked, it was like: "DUH, sweat." But that just never occured before. It's clammy because it's damp and cool because that's what sweat does. Why does someone get in the tripod position? What might they be experiencing?

Later, we went over epinephrine, AKA: adrenaline. He asked us, what do you think would happen and why? Like, if we were going to a fight where we would die if we didn't win, what would happen? "Increased heart rate" was easy, but where does the blood go? Why is the heart rate increasing? Deep breathing. Why? Sweating. Why? Dilated pupils. Why?

Someone mistakenly said that the blood would go to the limbs. I guess I could see that, since you're using them to fight with, so they're important. But the teacher said: "No, you don't want them going there! Why is that?" Silence. So I stepped in: "Because you'd bleed to death if one of your limbs got chopped off."

That, and a detailed account of how exactly you breathe were the only major contributions I made today. Some of those kids knew how goosebumps and shivering actually warms you up. One kid knew some insane detail about the oxygen distribution of Mt. Everest and something relating to the sea level. Some chemistry nonsense. And even the annoying re-cert firefighter knew something interesting that the rest of us didn't actually know already!

It was awesome!

*Edit: The whole point of the day was that the body does what it needs to reach homeostasis.

Anyway, next time is MOVING AND LIFTING PATIENTS *dundunduuuun*. We'll see how that goes.

Day 4

This is kind of a personal post, but I'm so proud of myself!!!

It started out like a normal day. Arriving a little early, I sat down at my table in the back. A few students were scattered about, generally 2-3 at a table. Nobody was really saying anything. Everyone was on their phones. It's weird that we do that.

The annoying re-cert firefighter waltzes in and, luckily, has a lot to say about a couple of car accidents he came accross on the way down. He only talks to his table, barely scraping at the solid cement of awkward setting in the room. They don't really respond either, poor guy.

Finally, class starts, and we get to training again. Suddenly, everyone is alive and they have friends in class - they group up as we make our way to the "gym". Except me. We do more CPR. I have a string of good, natural interactions with a couple of the paramedics and my teacher. I'm happy, especially because there were a ton of instances that day of people just ignoring me. Tiny instances. My volume was fine and everything, they just ignored me. It was f***ing weird, and I was feeling really bad.

Anyway, then we did a TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE. And, if anyone remembers the last time I did one of those, it was at the domestic violence shelter training  - the one I left in hysterics. This time though, I wasn't even concerned. I was feeling empowered by the previous perfect social interactions. So, I got in a circle with the other students, shoulder-to-shoulder. Okay! Then, with our right hands, we grabbed the right hands of people accross from us. And then the same with our left. Before you knew it, we were all tangled up.

One of these numbers

"Now get yourselves out of it." Our instructor practically smirks as she folds her arms accross her round stomach. We all take a few moments to size up the situation. I suggest we all try to get closer to the floor to loosen up the circle (I don't know!). To my surprise, people actually tried it! It didn't work, but it was a precurser to the solution: two particular people at a time needed to get low so others could step over and loosen up the circle. I still don't understand how it worked, but it worked! And I was fine the entire time.

In fact, I felt really happy. I participated and helped come up with a solution. I spoke up when it was necessary. I wasn't consciously nervous (though I could feel some bodily reactions going on). The warm fuzzies surged as we patted ourselves on the back and ran to the bathrooms to wash our hands. Another female student and I ended up in the same bathroom. I was a bit nervous, but pretended we were just gal pals as she actually used the bathroom and I washed my hands. It was like we were real gal pals! We talked the whole time! As we made our way back to class, one of the paramedics from earlier said bye and good luck to us. I said: "Bye ____, thank you!" Perfectly friendly and cordial. Non-phobic people wouldn't understand, but I was on a ROLL!

I sat down and immediately wrote about my experience. I didn't want to forget this STRING of positive experiences working with others. I felt so accomplished and happy. I felt emotionally fed. Like I had been starving for...not necessarily interaction, but connection. No words required, I just wanted to feel close to other people. I usually feel like an absolute alien. Like, despite their efforts, no one really gets me. I can't even communicate on their level. It's my curse to be the gawking foreigner stumbling about the complex and beautiful world that is the human race. 

But today was good. I OWNED a battle in the war on social phobia.

Day 3

Some paramedics came down from Salt Lake to help us with CPR on the mannequins. We had babies, adolescents, and adults. What's most important to remember is that it's 2 breaths to every 30 compressions accross the board if you're alone. If you have two people (2-person CPR), and you're working on an adolescent or baby, it's 2 breaths to every 15 compressions. Mostly because kiddos can't compensate lack of oxygen as well as adults.

So we did that, and then the teacher lectured us on ethics for the last bit of class. Maybe I've said this before, but he is freaking HILARIOUS! Kinda older. Much older, but not a typical "old" guy, you know? He seems in better shape than me (not that that's saying much), and looks middle-aged if it weren't for his white hair. 

Anyway, he went on the computer and brought up Firefox. Then, in the search bar, he typed: Google.com. The list of results came up with one showing a Google search engine bar, in which he typed: Youtube.com

It was the funniest thing ever! I felt a bit bad for just giggling to myself in the back instead of helping out, but another student stepped in (ie: showed him he could just type youtube.com at the top of the screen). 

Day 2

American Heart Association CPR. Again! You basically watch this hours-long, ultra-boring video and then test on it. I tried taking notes this time, but it messed me way up. Things move too fast for my witto bwain to write notes AND listen at the same time.

Just beat me with it!!! UUUGHHH!

Our teacher is awesome! He's just a genuinely nice, easy-going guy from Idaho. He's been a paramedic/firefighter for decades. He shares stories. He's just a good guy, and seems to be a good teacher as well. 

That annoying know-it-all re-cert firefighter from my last class? He's back, disguised in the body of a different firefighter with a different name. So help me. Everything he says is OBVIOUS and, if he's sure of the answer, will just blurt it out and not give anyone else a chance. He constantly interrupts the teacher MID- SENTENCE to ask questions that will naturally come up in our line of lecture. Just how insecure are these guys? Chill. Most people already respect you. You don't have to do this, you're better than this.

Anyway, a few people dropped. We have 18 students now, and another girl! 4 girls! Yay! I learned (though, in hindsight, it's like DUH!) that CPR doesn't bring a pulse back. It doesn't "save lives", the AED does. When someone is unconscious and has no pulse, they're dead. When you push on their heart to simulate beating (CPR), you just prolong death. You prevent brain damage, but the patient will expire without getting a shock to re-set the heart's electricity. That's why we're important. We have AEDs - "medicine by Edison". But CPR is still very important too. Do it.

Hopefully I can get a shirt soon! They're fun! 

Re- First Day

Oh my gosh, I thought I was 20 minutes late! But it turned out, class was at 6pm, not 5pm. Great start, AND I met the teacher!

Unfortunate.

So, I'm one of three girls in the class. There are three firefighters, and only 22 students. It's great so far! Everything is smoother. The teachers seem very kind, and very student-oriented. We have their cell phone numbers. The room is spacious. It's a night and day difference from my last course. We have to (get to?) wear uniform shirts again, but they're awesome this time!

CPR class is tomorrow. Already!

I'm nervous as Hell still. We had to give our numbers to (and take some from) other classmates. Our "homies". Ugh. I nearly died just doing that! It was gut-wrenching thinking of making new friends. Meeting new people. It's so much work! Meeting people should come naturally, and be mutually desired, right?

Anyway, I'll stop being a snob and try to get rid of this dread. The teacher
 said something that helped: "Even if you don't get licensed, this is a life skill."

We can start there - just here to learn a life skill. We'll see if I can make it a career/stepping stone toward death investigation.

To be Continued?

Well, a bunch of horrible things happened, and I was dismissed from my program. Pretty sure it was discriminatory. I don't know, but there were a few posts about the fiasco taking up space. I didn't want that to be a prominent feature in my journey (however short it may be), so I've condensed it into one post.
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My teacher has stopped responding. They seem very displeased that I requested to do my ride-along before everything else. I just want to see if I can handle it before re-doing EVERYTHING. The way the school has treated me just hurts. I wish I never mentioned my illness, because then they wouldn't have had a bogus reason for dismissing me.

Right now, I'm signed up to re-take the course. School is starting, and my major is Emergency Management w/emergency services emphasis. I'm terrified, honestly. Even at the height of mental health, my therapist was concerned about the social aspect of the job. Now that I've technically been dismissed for that very reason, I'm discouraged too. I think a lot of returning to mortuary school, but this field is awesome! If I was normal, this would totally be my calling. But I'm just not, and I'm worried to death of wasting more time and money and being disappointed again.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
June 9th:

I'm back in black, baby!

My teacher got back to me and, after many discussions, they're allowing me to complete the course!!! There is much to be done. I need to schedule my own ride-along, complete 100 assessments, do a new skills pass-off sheet, attend 12 hours of remediation, test all national skills, and show that I can work with strangers.

The main reason for the dismissal was my "difficulty working with strangers". BfreakingS! I was very good at hiding my immense discomfort, so they didn't observe that. The two other shenanigan reasons? I didn't attend my ride-along (well, 1: I was dismissed before my ride along took place, 2: I asked if I could still do it, and didn't get a definitive answer on the phone, and NO answer via email, 3: They refused to issue another ride along sheet anyway!!). Also, I failed to attend all the required hours (which is interesting, given that I attended enough remediation hours to make up a missed day and then some)?

I'm grateful for the second chance, of course, just baffled that it was even necessary.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

May 20th:

They won't let me graduate. I decided I would do my best where I could, and caught up on the 20 chapters in time. I also went ahead and took the final. I not only passed, I'm sure my score was near- perfect!

I called, they won't issue another ride-along form. In fact, they are dismissing me for "multiple reasons". I'm interested in what those are, because I'm only aware of not having vitals in and skills passed off - things, it seems, I have some extra time to do.

Still, it's very sad. I liked this stuff. I was doing well. I can see how invaluable it is to the Medicolegal field. And, even if I wasn't exactly outgoing, I was friendly. We'll see what they say. Just seems like they don't want to help me (or don't even believe my bag "story") at this point. As if I wanted to waste $1,000 and lose the best job I'll ever get.

Seventeenth Day

I skipped today. We were scheduled to do a short lecture and then skills for the rest of the day.

I was busy trying to plan my future. Should I try another EMT program? Surgical technology? Mortuary science? ...Massage therapy?

I realized...maybe I can graduate legitimately. We still, FOR THE LOVE, can't find that pink bag, but maybe they'll help me out since it's so lax. Maybe I can buy a new BPcuff and stethoscope. Maybe I can get a whole new skills sheet, vitals/assessments sheet, pass-offs sheet, and ride-along sheet (though they said they DO NOT give out copies of those), and just do everything all over again.

It's a long shot, but worth it.

EDIT:

"Students have 30 days post program to complete all assignments, quizzes and exams and to pass off all skills. There is a $75 fee that must be paid BEFORE a special proctored examination is scheduled -- and a $50 fee to be added to the second recommend letter. Students who do not complete the program and all of its components; attendance, distance education assignments, quizzes, and exams and pass off all skills before the program ends will not be included in the first recommend letter. No exceptions."

So there is hope. Sure, I won't be recommended in the first letter, but I actually have time to pass off my skills. I have some time to redo all 120 of my vitals/assessments and skills signatures. I've been working on my quizzes all day - only 6 more to go! Then the final. And I have to buy a new BPcuff and stethoscope.

Sixteenth Day

The jig is up.

My pink bag (which contained my bp cuff and stethoscope) has vanished, and there is no way in H*LL I can catch up on the 20 chapters I've fallen behind in and memorize all the skills. Also...40 assessments. No way. It's just not possible.

People cheat on the assessments/vitals - they've said so. They must scrimp elsewhere. How can someone do all this work in less than 2 months?! I'm so disappointed I didn't have the foresight to realize a 6 month program shoved into 1/3 the time was a bad idea.

I'm so slow anyway...How could I think this would work?! I'm so mad and disappointed. I was going to have a graduation party on Sunday, but it seems impossible to graduate at this point. My equipment is gone. I don't know what to do.

I quit my job for this.

Fifteenth Day

How annoyed can one get in the span of two hours?

Freaking. A lot. Turns out.

Maybe I haven't expressed this well, but I feel really unprepared when it comes to this stuff. So much so, going back to mortuary school is looking good again. But maybe it's not me!!

THRICE, my teacher was wrong right after he said I was. Case#1: we looked at a child's ultra-swollen, narrow airway via x-ray. I asked: "would we use oxygen in that case?" He proceeds to look at me like I'm an idiot and replies: "No...we gave that kid epinephrine, albuterol, (something else), and oxygen."

Looked just like this, only child size

Oh. My. Gosh.

Obviously I'm not stupid enough to think oxygen alone will magically fix a swollen airway, I just wanted to make sure you'd use oxygen as opposed to ventilations (inadequate ventilation because lung issues? IDK). And you do use oxygen!! I wasn't wrong!

Later in the slideshow, he asked the class what the most common airway obstructions in children were. I said "saliva". No incredulity this time, just a quick: "If there was saliva, they'd just swallow it." Sure enough, AT THE TOP of THE NEXT SLIDE: "common obstructions include blood, vomitus, and other secretions."

The third, and most annoying is last. My teacher has the most annoying habit of skipping over abuse. He just says to watch out for it. For what? We never go over the signs! Maybe he's uncomfortable. Maybe he realizes someone has probably been through it. But we knew that when we signed up. Teach us. And then, as if he couldn't sink lower, some middle-aged lady asked how common abuse was in Utah.

First, how the hell would he know? Second, why not Google it and get educated about such an important topic? Third, he said that IT WASN'T THAT COMMON! And proceeded to say that it was more common in poor communities.

NO! NOT TRUE!

Seething, I do a quick Google search for stats as I contemplate saying something. Is it my place? Does anyone actually care? Does a criminal justice and domestic violence background trump his?

Well, I didn't say anything and we got back to the slideshow. Sure enough, within a few slides, it was written that socioeconomic status had no impact on domestic violence rates. And he proceeds to skip right over it. Why not read it? He'd been reading the slides nearly word for word previously. Oh, because it says he's WRONG?!

Gosh, this whole time I thought it was me!!!

Still, maybe because this is such a crappy program, I feel unprepared. Maybe I should go back to mortuary school...

Cadaver Lab!

They weren't kidding about the bare hands!!!!!

YUS!!!

I was the only person who took advantage of that, no surprise. My group (me, the other two kids from class, and a guy from the Salt Lake class) was "baptized by fire". We got to see the nearly-whole body first. He was an old man who had died of colorectal cancer. The instructor let us touch what we wanted and get familiar before we started.

I think I touched his intestine first. Then his lung. It was squishy, and smaller than I thought it'd be. I touched his liver, where the cancer had metastasized. I touched his heart. Then the teacher stepped in and showed us his entire digestive system, his different lung lobes, his carotid artery (and some nerves over there), his prostate, bladder, cricoid process, and then we held his heart. It was cool. It was covered in fat. Then we took off the layers of the skull and various matters, and we TOUCHED THE BRAIN! That was wicked cool! It felt darn near indescribable. Surprisingly firm and squiggly.

Then we went to another table to feel up some hearts. They were all smaller than I'd expected. So small. Mine was especially small. One had a pacemaker in it. Then we got some kidneys! So cute! Again, they seemed very small. One had nephritis.

I probably seemed like a know-it-all the entire time. Nearly every question he asked, I knew. Q: "What's this?" A: "pericardial sack". "How do you breathe?" A: "the diaphragm pulls air into the lungs." Q: "Which side is the left side of the heart?" A: "This one, because it's bigger and rounder." Q: "What's this?" A: "Adrenal glands." Q: "Can anyone tell me what this is?" A: "That's fascia!" I identified a dismembered trachea and a male hip. The trachea was easy, but the hip was a process. It had a gluteus maximums attached, and it was pretty fatty. I first identified a giant, hollow bone as a femur. By then, the illeac crest above itwas obvious. Then I identified it as male because the hip was narrower than a female's would be.

Or...I could've just noted the single teste hanging from it. *slow clap*

Anyway, this stuff came so easily, thank goodness! Not that I was being annoying about it, I always gave others a chance first, but it felt good to actually know stuff for once.

After the break, we got to see skin and it's three layers, a dismembered arm and leg (muscle and tendons look just like uncooked chicken). Femoral artery! That was cool. It's so close to the skin!

They saved it for the end, but they brought out a covered jar in which we eventually saw a 30 year old fetus; aged 6 months. It was SO CUTE! He was absolutely prefect! Little fingers, little feet with little toes...so cute.

The last thing we did was stand in a line and hold a stomach and intestines all unraveled. It would be the class picture, if we could take pictures.

It was such a fun time! Cool experience, for sure.

Fourteenth Day

Baby deliveries!!

'Sup?

This, I think, has been the best day! I don't know why it's so darn exciting, but delivering babies is awesome. It all seems so intuitive (and deceptively easy).

You can't deliver babies who present a limb first - they need to be surgically removed. Keep babies coming out umbilical-cord-first in the uterus by holding it in place, and stay there until the surgeon says you can let go. Vaginal bleeding is serious. Always make sure to deliver the placenta, or the body will keep sending blood and exsanguinate (they didn't use that word, but that's an opportunity missed!).

There were also a lot of weird new words, speaking of. Primagravida, multigravida, abruptio placentae, etc.

Did you know eggs are fertilized in the fallopian tubes? Then they travel down into the uterus and attach. Knowing this now, I'm surprised there aren't WAY more ectopic pregnancies.

We started out the day practicing some skills - glucometers were out, bandaging, splinting, nasophayngeal airways, backboard, and stretchers. I picked stretcher, since I failed so miserably at it. The pre-med aide asked if anyone had done it before. I replied: "I've done it wrong before." Everyone laughed, the memory of my failed attempt fresh in their minds. He tried his best to help, but my body mechanics are still off. Dang!

I like starting with skills. Tomorrow is the cadaver lab! Pretty stoked! It seems there are four of us going.

Thirteenth Day

Maybe 13 is an unlucky number for me too.

Today pretty much sucked. Our regular teacher was passing his paramedic psychomotor exam, so we had a different teacher. The new teacher was great and he has decades of experience, but what he was talking about was pretty boring.

Burns. We covered burns and orthopaedic trauma. Then we actually tried practicing with the stretcher. Good grief. I swear, I can't retain information to save my life.

So I stood there watching a few groups of people do the gourney. I wanted to try. So, the biggest guy in class gets on (great), I take the corner with the all-important red lever, and then...the SMALLEST girl in class came and took the other corner. Freakin great.

So, there are four weak girls trying to lift a hunk of muscle. I pull in the red lever to lift the gourney. I realize I'm lifting with my back. We reach maximum height, and, in a moment of the purest lack of good judgement, I say "we did it, yay!" and throw my hands in the air. In slow motion, the guy stalls and begins to tip over. Because he's strapped in, he can do nothing but what he did - look on in masked terror.

Luckily, the AEMT aide was there, and caught the side. Everyone laughs, and I realize my mistake - I didn't wait for the gourney to lock before letting go. So we locked it, and we brought it back down - again with my back. I'll probably be injured someday.

Then we worked on bandaging for forever, and apparently, there was a NREMT sheet to look at. I did fine despite not having the sheet, until the very end where I failed to verbalize priority transport; a critical fail. So I couldn't pass those off. We had to move on to some straight up midieval contraption (hare traction splint) that you use to straighten broken legs. You seriously crank it, and it pulls your leg straight, until the bone re-sets. As you can imagine, it hurts.

Then I started feeling overwhelmingly depressed. Just suddenly. I started questioning what I was doing, why I was doing it, and if I'd ever amount to anything. I was terrified, and overcome with grief. I would lose it if someone asked to partner with me. My head hurt, and I then realized I'd been grinding my teeth. I loathed myself for "failing" again. I was mad because I was alive. It was weird. I was doing everything I could to avoid a mental breakdown in front of everyone. With only 15 minutes of class left, I bailed and sobbed all the way home. I feel fine now. I don't know what happened.

 I just hope I can explain it next time. Though maybe I just shouldn't. And I hope it doesn't happen again.

Twelth Day

Twelth is a weird word.

Anyway, this was an okay day. I was feeling super craptastic and luckily, the teacher did too. So we got out at 8:30!

We just worked on bandaging and we talked about lifting/transporting patients. Not bad!

Eleventh Day

Going well. Love trauma - it's more straightforward. We did bleeding and chest trauma. Nothing too difficult.

I got 86% on my midterm! The highest score was 91%, but I'm willing to bet the guy who got it used quizlet. There's no freakin way!

I'm so tired of assessments. I hate them. Everyone has a different idea of how to do them right, so there is always a complaint or criticism (nobody gets or appreciates the art of constructive criticism) and we all know you just read off the paper - Like a list. It's absolutely pointless to be in groups. Ugh.

Real Talk

It's time for a real talk time-out. The sexual assault chapter was an "at-home study" chapter, which is unfortunate. Equally unfortunate was that we didn't really address person-on-person violence as part of the trauma chapter in class. If you work at all, especially in Utah, you're likely to come in contact with someone who is seeing you as a result of domestic violence. Black eyes and neck pain? Suicidal patient? Alcoholic? Drug addict? Where did it all start?

A lot of people focus on emotional abuse when it comes to lasting impact, but all abuse - sexual, physical, emotional, and financial - will have lasting effects (also, emotional abuse is an aspect of all abuse. I'll spare you that rant). "among patients with depression, irritable bowel, chronic pain, or substance abuse, prevalence of reported childhood physical or sexual abuse runs as high as 70%." Another study finds that "the following symptoms significantly related to a history of childhood physical or sexual abuse in women in primary care practices: nightmares, back pain, frequent or severe headaches, pain in the pelvic, genital, or private area, eating binges or self-induced vomiting, frequent tiredness, problems sleeping, abdominal or stomach pain, vaginal discharge, breast pain, choking sensation, loss of appetite, problems urinating, diarrhea, constipation, chest pain, face pain, frequent or serious bruises, and shortness of breath. "

This is relevant to our work, right? At the least we could recognize that people with drug and alcohol related issues deserve compassion and respect. At most, we could recognize the symptoms of battery or sexual abuse and report it to police. Help someone out. I realize this is uncomfortable for a lot of people to talk about. Perhaps it's because, statistically, they know they'll be addressing someone who has been through it. It's likely they've been through it themselves. But isn't that better? Let these people know you care about this issue. Let others know how to handle survivors and open some minds! This is an epidemic across the nation, and ending it starts with addressing it.

Healthcare Provider CPR!

Finally got this puppy.

It's not much different from a regular CPR class except there was no first aid aspect, and we learned how to use an AED and Bag valve mask. Right? Don't you normally learn how to help choking adults, children, and babies? CPR on unresponsive adults, children, and babies? It's good stuff!

Tenth Day (Half Way!)

We had a remediation session today. Most people there just needed hours for missing class. I just needed some help in shock - because it's important (and I'm bad at it).

It was disappointing. Mostly we just took the quiz together and were told to find the answers in the book...ugh. I want some real life stories and examples. I want to learn how to think critically and prioritize treatment. I especially want to practice most of these skills. I know that applying a non rebreathing mask is muy importante, but they only told us how to do it once. I want to practice!

So that was a bummer, but the teacher was in a good mood the rest of the day. He told stories and we got out early.

We're starting to learn about trauma! It's great, and it makes sense. So far, it seems more straightforward than medical. Also, the patients are more likely to be unconscious, so I like that. No formalities, just implied consent and helping them the best I can. We learned about gunshot wounds, stabs, and handling sexual assault. This is more my speed. Rumor has it that we'll be tested on gunshot wounds for the NREMT.

Lastly, I signed up for my ride along with a fire department from a bigger city near Salt Lake for May 25th. Because of HIPPA, I'm not sure I'll be able to share anything about that day. I hope!

Ninth Day

Today was rough.

I quit my job. I had to. I realized I was 10 chapters behind (10!!!), and we were going to get written up if they weren't done (of course that didn't end up being the case). This had to be the right choice, and I know I'd bitten off a metric ton more than I could chew, but I still feel like a failure. It was such a great job, too.

Anyway, now I feel like I'm gonna fail this as well. Like it's a universal law.

We learned about toxicology and neurologic emergencies. Strokes, seizures, overdoses. That sort. We learned about generalized and partial seizures (grand mal, petite mal), status epilepticus, and their causes. Sometimes no cause can be identified, but it's usually either high fever, structural abnormality, metabolic (eg, low sodium, hypoglycemia), or chemical.

Eighth Day (Part 2)

She ended up (unregretfully) chickening out, but another student, we'll call him Heath, stepped up! Next stop, nasopharyngeal airway town!!!

We're ready.

Heath sat in a chair, and everyone gathered around. We were all excited. Another student, Reese, lubed up the airway device - which was HUGE. And then he just started it into Heath's nostril. Heath coughed, and his eyes started watering, but Reese unflinchingly continued on, perhaps a little quicker than he should have. The teacher's aide asked if he could see the device in the back of Heath's throat. Heath opened his mouth and gagged. It was so funny! Everyone else was really enjoying it too. The device was pulled out slowly, covered in blood. Oops.

Of course two students were recording, so it's on facebook. I'll have to get it.

Anyway, then we did more fun stuff: Glucose monitoring. I gut stuck 3 times. I stuck one girl. I was going to do another, but she was being scared. I got everything ready and was about to prick her finger, when she kept jerking it away. I calmly let her decide when she was ready, but she kept backing out. My teacher then took over and, when she was again "ready", he took her hand and held it down while he pricked her.

She complained about it hurting (it doesn't), and then cried later, because she was that scared. But she has pierced her own ears!! Girl.

Anyway, I got to prick another student...and promptly threw the needle in the trash (not the sharps container) like an idiot. But it was prefect otherwise, so I'm happy!!

Good day.

Eighth Day (Part 1)

I'm on lunch break right now. I just wanted to document how freaking happy I am!

First, the teacher got fed up with the guy behind me and finally said to him: "You just want to take all the glory, don't you?" I don't want him to feel bad, but I also hope he shuts up a bit.

Second, I've been somewhat nervous and hesitant about grouping off and working with other people. I hate it because I get so nervous. Like...constant in-head pep talks hardly work (though I like to think I hide it well). WELL, as soon as we were told to group off, a girl called my name and said she wanted to practice on me because I'm realistic! That was so cool. She was shy too at first, but I think we're both improving.

She inspired me with her excitement to work on the mannequins. We may even put nasophayngeal airways in her nose later! We practiced super plugging, jaw thrusts, head-tilt-chin-lifts, one-person breathing valve mask, two-person breathing valve mask, and oropharyngeal airways.

It was too much fun! I love hands-on learning, it makes me feel more confident. Anyway, bring on the rest of the day!

Seventh Day

The lady reported feeling like crap because her blood pressure meds were doubled. But she wasn't worried anymore, so that's good. She looked good.

We learned about diabetic emergencies like ketoacidosis, diabetic coma, and insulin shock. We also covered anaphylaxis again...not sure why.

We did two assessments in front of the class. The first was fine, it ended badly only because the guy lacked confidence and took too long. The second assessment was an awkward mess. The guy was one of those guys who has an heir of "I'm too good for this.". I thought maybe I was just imagining it and judging a book by it's cover, but he proved me right.

They were simulating insulin shock. The AEMT aide was the patient (acting extremely disoriented), the teacher was his roommate, and the med student aide was the patient's brother. The EMT student started out mostly fine, save for a very $hi**y rapport with the "roommate" and "brother". He also assessed pulmonary unnecessarily and way too early - a critical fail (though he was the second guy to do it that day).  **Update: I saw a YouTube video on assessments, and it was demonstrated the same way. Maybe they're doing it right?**

Then, the diabetic patient got up and started walking off out of the room, and the EMT student basically let him. He went after him, only to come back saying he gives up and sitting down like a puss. There was an awkward pause as the class collectively tried to decide the validity of his entirely-uncalled-for claim. Sho 'nuff.

So his friend finished it for him - deciding to give the patient insulin for his glucose reading of 40. This would kill the patient by lowering his already-low glucose. It would've been a critical fail for ordering a dangerous treatment were it not for the annoying guy behind me who insists on answering every time someone asks the teacher a question.

This was especially irritating because they specifically said before the simulation NOT to help. He just wants to look good and show off the fact that he was once certified. We get it. But I know I didn't pay the teacher $1,000 for your instruction.

Later on, he tried answering one of my questions about handling a disoriented patient. There is such a thing as battery and unlawful detainment, after all. When is it okay to stand in front of a patient to prevent them from leaving? When is it okay to put your hands on them? How do you put your hands on them?

I digress. That guy gave it away, trying to show off, and the EMT student fixed his answer - thus learning nothing.

Kind of obnoxious day, but otherwise nice. Not bad at all.

Sixth Day

Today was special. I may have saved my first life!

For the first part of class, we talked about different methods of airway management. I had been on the verge of tears all day. It was just a sad day.

Then we practiced assessments.

There is this lady in class - maybe 34 - who is always upbeat. She's way cool. So, when we were asked to split into groups, and she made eye contact with ME, I was freaking stoked. Bonus? She's competent. So, we practiced assessments with another girl, switching between the roles of medic, patient, and grader. She was my patient first.

After sizing up the scene, checking ABCs, and taking a history, it was time to take her vitals. Her blood pressure was 150/110. When the AEMT teacher's aide came by, she mentioned to him the number, and he told me to take it again. This time it was worse:150/120. His interest was piqued. With my confidence dwindling, he checked it as well. Same result.

Then she began to panic a bit. It was so unlike her. She held back tears, apologizing. She complained that she's seen enough doctors in her life. She'd received bad news relating to her past battle with cancer this week. She was scared, and making herself worse with worry.

On one hand, I was sad for her. I hugged her and assured her we didn't think less of her for being worried. On the other hand, I couldn't help but feel that, in some small way, I may have just helped save her life.

I mean, maybe it had something to do with lack or food or water - like a lot of women. She's had heart issues before. But a bp that high could cause a stroke. Who knows? I probably never will.

So that was an exciting day, and I am happy to report I am no longer on the verge of tears.

Stress Ulcers

When I get stressed enough, I get mouth ulcers. They're big and they hurt like a mutha$@#!&*!

Update: I eventually got three of these before I quit my job, but they're healing fast!

Fifth Day

It was my first Saturday class today. They're 9 hours long. Oh good grief.

It was a hard day. Hard getting up, hard staying awake, and hard being around other people all day. I'm SO tired.

We learned medical assessments and briefly touched trauma assessments. All day long. If I could do it over, I would take a regularly- paced course. Everything seems so rushed, and I got caught up for a day, and suddenly I'm four chapters behind again!

Today I was running 5 minutes late. Instead of trying to find two socks in a massive pile of laundry, I thought it would be a better idea to be less late and wear flip flops (against the rules, as outlined in our student manual). But, since everything else has been so chill, I was willing to take the risk. I got to class and, as I signed in, quietly informed the teacher that I was wearing flip flops, but only because I couldn't find socks. He asked how far away I lived, I told him, and he said I should go get my shoes.

Dang it.

So, I drove home, mostly annoyed with myself and somewhat worried I'd miss important info over stupid shoes. When I got home, I dug vigorously for my socks, but only ultimately found one. So I just wore my shoes with no socks - which I should've just done in the first place.

I got back to class to see everyone taking vitals. Relieved I'd missed nothing, I sat down. The boy next to me explained that the teacher told the class to do vitals while they waited for me to get back.

I felt so bad, but was so appreciative of the unnecessary and kind gesture. I thanked my teacher for waiting for me and expressed how kind it was. He was happy to do it because he "appreciated [me] being a good sport" and because I was doing him a favor. I don't see it that way, but it was so incredibly nice whatever the case. Maybe having a chill atmosphere is a good thing for someone like me.

Time to catch up. Time is so precious these days.

Fourth Day

Things were good again! We learned some medications and the different kinds of shock:

Cardiogenic, obstructive, septic, neurogenic, psychogenic, anaphylactic, hemmorhagic hypovolemia, and non-hemmorhagic hypovolemia.

Am I missing any?

The first two are pump failures, most of the others are caused by widespread dilation of arterioles, venules, or both. The final two are caused by issues with blood volume either through bleeding, plasma loss after burns, vomiting, diarrhea, or dehydration.

I also learned what a cardiac tamponade was. Pretty cool! Now I have class at freaking 8am to 5pm later, so goodnight.

Third Day

Why are pre-med students always so smug and arrogant, when they really don't know anything?

Today, we were separated into groups and instructed to review and teach a section of the anatomy chapter. We were given two hours to prepare, and the book hardly went into depth on anything! We sat there most of the time.
And here I'm falling so far behind because I have zero time to study!

Right now, this class seems like a very expensive joke. I'm disappointed in myself and this program. Hopefully things will get better as we get into skills.

Second Day

Today was better!

I should be happy my teacher is chill because I wasn't able to do hardly anything school-related. I also don't have my BLS CPR certification yet. They're having mercy on the handful of us in that boat. We're getting ours on the 23rd.

My team is good. One girl dropped out after she realized she couldn't really do this course along with her full-time work and school schedule. It's not easy! This is a rigorous course! I kinda regret not taking it at a normal pace.

It's hard, especially with work. I hardly get any sleep as it is, and I still don't seem to have time for anything. My stomach grows bigger every day from the cortisol. I absolutely hate it.

Anyway, I'm really happy to say that I finally found people with my sense of dark humor (the teacher and his assistant). They're holding back, but sometimes they slip, and it's great!

First Day

If first impressions matter, I'm in for a rough ride.

First of all, the "classroom" is tiny. I'm talking hardly any room to breathe in. Second, the teacher is a laid-back type. A "cool" teacher = expect disorganization.

I don't want to barely pass, I want to be a great EMT. The most inspiring people, to me, are the ones who are good at what they do. They're passionate. 

Anyway, that got me really worried. And then I could hardly speak, I was so anxious. I considered quitting, but realized I could brave through the next year and then get a job I love, or try to go back to mortuary school - so many hurdles. Besides, this is way more useful!

I need 100 sets of vitals by the end of the program. It's utter lunacy. I remember trying to squeak in 50 for CNA school, how can I possibly get 100?!

Life is hard, but the hard things can be worth it, folks. 

Swag

I got my EMT pants today, and I'm so stoked.

Well...except that they're too big. By a long shot. I don't know if they're supposed to be that baggy anyway, but the waistband is at least an inch too big. I ordered online, and I'm glad they came early, but they said to order them a couple sizes up. Bad idea. Maybe one size up would've been good.

I also got a neat purple watch to take vitals with. It has regular and military time and it's waterproof (bloodproof)!

I already had a stethoscope and BP cuff from CNA school.

We're set.

Signing Up

I signed up for school!

This is a relatively new program approved by the Bureau of Emergency Medical Services. I don't know much because their website is difficult to navigate, but they have an externship at an E.R. and a 10 hour ride-along on an ambulance. They also give you access to a volunteer corps, so I was sold there. They also have a cadaver lab where you can actually cut open the bodies! I want to do that.

Anyway, it was a tough decision to do this because I work full-time now and I get so darn tired, but I need to get this done so I can become a paramedic A.S.A.P. It's like...8 hours a week, plus some Saturdays for 9 hours. Geez. I guess it still freaks me out if I think on it too much. Because the program is so rigorous, it will only last until May 17th, so that's good! Like a band-aid. Just rip it off!

I start tomorrow!

Getting a Job

To pay for EMT school, I need a job. As of March 23rd, I got my first full-time job ever!

The interview was a disaster!! I told her I was looking forward to the position because there were no phones or customer service involved, and that I wasn't used to waking up at 8am.

Anyway, it obviously worked out well in the end!

After working there for four days, I can say it's possibly the best job I've ever had. I really don't have to talk to anyone because, with one exception, they only speak Spanish. I mean...they're basically all immigrants. They're also way nice so, if I need help, they help. Every day, one of the women has had a sleeve of Ritz, and they go around sharing with everyone. On top of that, the work is mindless. It's like doing metal crafts all day. Mostly I buff magnets with a spinning buffer thing. I get to wear latex gloves and a mask, so it's my favorite thing to do.

It's not that I don't know how to speak to people in a proper way (it generally involves stifling every natural thing that comes to mind), just that it makes me so tired. And I hate the way my voice sounds because my throat starts to close up - even with medication. No idea why. It's very irritating.

I digress, the first step is done!

The Goal

Man, I just want to be a deputy coroner. Or autopsy technician.

Ever since around 2006, I became infatuated with criminal justice and forensic science. I have changed my mind about what exactly I want to do in those fields many times; officer, detective, attorney, crime scene technician, blood spatter analyst, forensic geologist, fingerprint technician, coroner/death investigator, S.A.N.E, F.N.D.I, private detective, and forensic social worker. And then I've switched back to various ones over and over. It has been especially difficult because of my mental health.

I started my criminal justice program in 2010. I did incredibly well for the first year there. Then I got antsy, so I transferred to a university for a criminal justice program with an emphasis in forensic science. My mental health deteriorated rapidly, I failed miserably, and ended up dropping out for the first time at the end of 2011.

I dated and married my husband for the entirety of 2012, then was forced back to school. I knew I wasn't ready, but we had nowhere else to turn.

I changed my major to social work. It was awful. I failed nearly every single class I took. Not because social work is bad at all (it's actually awesome), but because I never went to class. I was going through so much and I'd just been married. It was stupid to go back, and I essentially dropped out again.

We went back to my parents for the remainder of 2013. It was extremely difficult. I couldn't hold a job, but I was determined to become a forensic nurse. That's when I did CNA school. It was pure misery. I did well in class. In fact, I only missed one of the questions on the 100-question final. However, we had two days of clinicals at the end of the program. I ran away after the first 10 minutes. I straight up left the premises in hysterics, because I couldn't see my partner. The next time, I was able to last the full day, but I was uncomfortable and dreaded every call light. I remember my favorite part was bathing a disabled woman - we didn't have to speak to each other, it was just me doing something kind for her. I never did my second day of clinicals.

So, in 2014, I decided to try mortuary school. The logic was that I didn't have to speak to anyone and I could help people out from a distance. I failed all but my mortuary science class and didn't have good enough grades to continue.

Because we needed money, I transferred to a university and changed my major back to criminal justice. I was fading. I barely scraped by with my criminal justice grades, which were also beginning to slip. I finally sought the school psychiatric NP. I couldn't see her until they could determine I really needed to. I took a 300 question diagnostic test. They found "significant" scores in depression and anxiety. After a session with a therapist, I was diagnosed with major depression and social phobia.

Finally, I could begin repairing my life.

I began visiting with my psychiatrist regularly, and then a therapist every week for DBT. It got worse before it got better. I eventually dropped out again, because I stopped caring about criminal justice. I'd stopped caring about anything. I wanted SO badly to die. I looked very hard at starting electric shock therapy and ketamine injections. I was desperate to feel better.

Then, it just changed. We still can't explain it, but I was running out of meds one week, and I tapered them out. Then I went to the ER for a new 'script. The first gabapentin from the new (identical) bottle changed my life. I felt so good. So good. And it stayed the next day and the next and the next.

I'm still better. Loads better. And now I can start trying again. This time I'm ready. Finally!

So I'm doing something I've always wanted to do, but was too scared to. Even in my mortuary blog, I'd always come back to this, but I've always wanted to be an EMT. Ever since 9/11, and then an incident at a family reunion where an elderly relative slipped on concrete and basically died, and an even more recent incident where my husband went into shock.

I hated feeling so helpless, but how could I ever be a good medic? I could hardly speak! And being around people all day? So intimately? Never in my wildest dreams did I think that could ever happen. And now I'm doing it. I can do it.

The best part is that coroners love them. Many coroner and similar positions ask for paramedical training specifically. So why not kill two birds with one stone? My accelerated program ends next month, then I'll be at UVU this Fall, and I should graduate next Summer as a Paramedic. Yay!!